Camp for a Lifetime

I was so thrilled when I got the Facebook message from my granddaughter on what a wonderful experience she had at Hume Lake Christian Camp. The money I had invested in paying for her week was definitely spiritual seed that had been watered. She truly met God there. It had always been my dream that one of my grandchildren would return to the same camp where I had experienced God in a real way.

Years have not dimmed the wonderful camp experiences from my memory. A girl I went to school with had invited me to go with her church camp at Hume Lake. We didn’t know each other that well and as I look back, I find it amazing that I went. Imbedded in my mind are the sounds of the clanging bell summoning us to the dining hall, the lake, the cute boys, sitting at a picnic table reading the Bible with my cabin mates, but most of all, my cabin counselor.

I don’t remember her name, her age, her facial features, or body type. All I remember is her light brown hair falling over the front of her face, covering it while she prayed. I had never heard someone pray as if they actually knew God. I don’t remember her words, only how they made me feel, as if God was present. It’s incredible that five days with someone can bring a lifetime impression that models your Christian Life, but this counselor did this and she never knew.

I can only imagine that one of the joys of heaven, where everything is revealed, will be when I will see her again. To recognize her, I’ll have to ask her to bow her head, have her hair fall around her face and then I’ll say, "Yes, it’s you, you impacted me my whole life to live for our Savior and walk in His ways!"

Mister- The Perfect Dog

Dear Little Sis, did I ever tell you about the time God gave me the "Perfect Dog"? It all began one day after a long time feeling that something was missing in my life...

"Do you mean it"?, I responded with a shocked and delighted expression on my face. I couldn't believe my husband finally said yes to having a small house dog. We had been Chocolate Lab Breeders for over 20 years and when our last male died unexpectedly, we decided to hang up our kennels boots and remain pet-free. After of couple of years, I was missing the warm fuzzy feeling when a canine friend lovingly gazes into your eyes. My life didn't seem complete. Our chocolate labs were working dogs, bred for hunting ducks and upland game, and always lived outside in a kennel. Having a dog inside the house was something that my husband never wanted, but now his heart was open to meeting my longings and wants and completing this missing part of my life, so out of the blue he announced that he would agree to have an inside dog. Now our life would be complete.

I decided that a Miniature Schnauzer would be the dog for us. My daughter had owned one years ago and I always admired their size, temperment and intellience. Early one morning we got a phone call from our son-in-law. He had heard about our interest in a dog from our grandchildren and he knew of an 7-year old dog that someone was getting rid off. I couldn't believe the timing of this call, just days after my husband had agreed to get a dog. Surely, God was opening a doggie door!

But, after a day's consideration, I decided that I didn't want such an old dog, over half of his life would be gone.  Shortly after this decision, my husband came home one afternoon and said he saw a Miniature Schnauzer down the street. We jumped into the car and at the owner's door we told him of the Mission we were on. He showed us his cute dog, although it looked a lot smaller than my daughter's dog. He told us of the breeder who actually lived in our small town. Again, I was thrilled as I sensed God was leading us the way. We called the breeder and made an appointment to come over that evening to look at a litter of pups.

When we drove up to the property, I could hear the barking of puppies and my anticipation grew. When we went into the backyard, 8 pairs of little eyes greeted us. They were really cute! I was a little taken back when the breeder told us that they were $600 a piece! That was twice a much as we had sold our Labs for one-tenth of the dog. I reflected that I shouldn't let money come in between me and happiness, so I asked her if we could see the parents. We walked to a different area of the property and were confronted with 2 of the smallest, mangiest, dirtiest, and ungroomed Schnauzers I had ever seen. I couldn't consider purchasing a puppy, especially at that price from someone who kept their animals in such shoddy condition. I heard the "doggie door" loudly slam shut.

I went home discouraged. I was confused but not undaunted. It was now late in the evening and I got on the Internet and began a search for Miniture Schnauzer breeders. I couldn't believe that I found an outstanding breeder within an hour of our home. I immediately called and talked to Donna who informed me that she did indeed had puppies, but they were show quality and sold for $1500. But she did have adults dogs, who she had retired from the show ring and would sale them only $300! She sent me a picture, I couldn't believe my eyes, here was my perfect dog, Mister.

The next day we met Mister and took him for a walk. He was as amazing as his picture. I couldn't believe she was selling him. She recommended that we take him for the weekend before purchasing. She also told us if we bought him she would retain his breeding rights, for he was considered about a $10,000 animal! I couldn't imajine why I would need any time to consider buying him for God had brought me the Perfect Dog, right?

My Brother, My Nephew, My Reunion

On July 7, 2011, I was so blessed to be able to see my nephew, Mike, whom I haven't seen in over 40 years...It was a dream come true reunion for me and my children. The last time I saw him was in California when he was 2 1/2 years old before his mother took him back to Texas where she filed for divorce from my oldest brother, Keith. Divorce is so extremely devastating for everyone involved and the heartbreak affects all family members, especially if they move several states away.

Seeing my nephew after all these years was very emotional and bittersweet. He turned out to be an outstanding, amazing, wonderful, kind, loving and caring man with so many more awesome qualities. I am so extremely proud of him and all of his accomplishments. He is a retired Coast Guard after 21 years of service and he continues to work hard for his loving family. I caught myself hugging him every chance I could get and just staring at him throughout the evening because he looked so much like my brother with his mannerisms and all but his demeanor was so gentle and sweet; so opposite of my wild, rebellious, older brother.

I briefly thought of my brother and the way in which he was raised by a father that was way too hard on him. I am ashamed to say that my father was not a "good father" or "role model" for my brother. My father was physically and emotionally abusive. Too many times my father would call my brother "worthless" and as he grew older, it hardened him, toughened him and he grew angry. So angry that he enlisted in the United States Army and volunteered to go to Viet Nam. There was no love lost between the two of them and they never once saw eye to eye on anything. The only time I ever saw a change in both of them was on my beloved mother's death bed. My oldest son who is a Pastor spoke to his grandfather about the importance of "forgiveness" and it was then, over 50 decades of my brother's life did I witness them "forgive" and begin to love one another, as they both embraced and wept.

My brother attempted to connect with his son on a few occasions but it was not meant to be. He wrote a final letter to his son while he was in a hospital in Arizona. He did not get a response but who could blame his son after a lifetime of disappointment. He never saw his son again and passed away on April 10, 2010 from lung cancer and kidney failure.

"Survivor's Guilt"

A few weeks ago I had a mammogram/sonogram scheduled and when a doctor in a long white coat walked in to explain that I needed to have a needle core biopsy, I nearly fainted while I was still lying on the table...Although the experience was undeniably frightening, I was so blessed to have so many "Prayer Warriors" of mine help me through a most difficult time and I took great comfort in knowing how really "powerful" prayer can be...I was also so deeply touched to receive a wonderful, encouraging Hallmark (I couldn't help but notice) card from a newly treasured dear friend of mine, "Sis2" who was praying for me, as well.

The waiting period for the results seemed like forever as I attempted to keep myself busy. A two week wait seemed unreasonable and agonizing, so I frantically called a week later. A very caring and compassionate nurse said "not to lose any sleep tonight" (which I took as a hint) and instructed me to call back the next day for results from the doctor....The next morning I dropped to my knees and repeatedly thanked my Almighty, Heavenly Father for the words I heard were, BENIGN... I also prayed a special prayer of gratitude for all of my "Prayer Warrior Sisters."

Although my life had been spared for that moment and please don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful but I still felt such a heaviness weighing on my heart that I couldn't explain. It has taken a week to finally come to grips with what was bothering me. Why was I spared and my little brother, Kevin was not? Why was his cancer so horrific and hideous that I still struggle with haunting flashbacks of his suffering? Why were my prayers answered and all of the frantic, hysterical prayers to spare my brother's life were not answered? I am feeling guilty that I am living and he is NOT....His suffering was completely off-the-scale....The doctor at UCSF completely removed my little brother's entire tongue in a grueling, 14 1/2 hour surgery...He no longer had the ability to swallow, talk, eat or sleep in a horizontal position. Everything that we take for granted was stripped away from him....He sat in a recliner and suctioned his mouth and trach 24/7 for three agonizing months....

I used to give him a back/neck massage to relieve some of the gripping pain he was enduring and one day I just fell to my knees and wailed in front of him, like you see women do in the Middle East....I felt so incredibly helpless. He was dying and he had to literally pick me up off the floor to comfort me. The doctor took all of his lymph nodes out and there was no place for the fluid to go...so his entire face started to swell, and swell, and swell until his beautiful face was unrecognizable. He finally relented and my father and I admitted him into the hospital for the final time. Hospice took over...I was in his hospital room with him on Easter Sunday.. March 27, 2005, on his son's 18th birthday when he passed away at the age of 45...My mother just passed 15 days before him... I watched two of my loved ones dying at the same time.... There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of them. I sometimes wish that I did not love them so deeply and miss them terribly, as if the pain would be less. But I deeply love and I deeply miss both of them.

As I continue to struggle with their untimely tragic deaths, I pray that someday I might find some "Peace" regarding the unbearable suffering that they endured and I overwhelmingly witnessed... I have had all of the counseling you can imagine but sometimes it is "triggers" such as my biopsy that bring me back to haunting memories and "survivors guilt." I pray for more faith and more trust in the Lord who knows all of the "why's"... And I deeply pray that I finally accept that all will be revealed to me someday in God's time.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; acknowledge HIM in all your ways and HE will direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Inherited from You

We all think about our fathers on Father’s Day. Who can avoid the media bombardment? But I have a constant reminder of my Father, even though he’s been gone for 6 years, and that reminder is --myself. Yes, I’m so like my dad that the little things I do throughout the day is a constant reminder that the “Nut Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree”. I purposely use the word nut, for it accurately describes my dad! He was the funniest man I knew. His quick wit made me laugh, my friends and all that knew him. And even more importantly, his humor covered a multitude of sins, but that is a subject for another Blog.

Even the last day I saw him on this earth, humor did not escape him. As he lay there in the hospital bed, dying from Kidney Cancer, I called my oldest son, his favorite grandchild. My son talked to him on the phone knowing it might be his last conversation with his grandpa. After I hung up the phone for my dad, I apologized for my son that he wouldn’t be able to visit his grandpa. My dad said matter-of-factly, “Oh, that’s alright, I won’t remember it”. At his funeral on April 21, 2005, I wrote an account of the characteristics that we have in common and read it to honor him.

Inherited from you dad…

-When I find myself unable to pass a clearance rack and shop at a consignment store, …I’ll think about my dad

-When I reuse a paper towel…I’ll think about my dad