A few weeks ago I had a mammogram/sonogram scheduled and when a doctor in a long white coat walked in to explain that I needed to have a needle core biopsy, I nearly fainted while I was still lying on the table...Although the experience was undeniably frightening, I was so blessed to have so many "Prayer Warriors" of mine help me through a most difficult time and I took great comfort in knowing how really "powerful" prayer can be...I was also so deeply touched to receive a wonderful, encouraging Hallmark (I couldn't help but notice) card from a newly treasured dear friend of mine, "Sis2" who was praying for me, as well.
The waiting period for the results seemed like forever as I attempted to keep myself busy. A two week wait seemed unreasonable and agonizing, so I frantically called a week later. A very caring and compassionate nurse said "not to lose any sleep tonight" (which I took as a hint) and instructed me to call back the next day for results from the doctor....The next morning I dropped to my knees and repeatedly thanked my Almighty, Heavenly Father for the words I heard were, BENIGN... I also prayed a special prayer of gratitude for all of my "Prayer Warrior Sisters."
Although my life had been spared for that moment and please don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful but I still felt such a heaviness weighing on my heart that I couldn't explain. It has taken a week to finally come to grips with what was bothering me. Why was I spared and my little brother, Kevin was not? Why was his cancer so horrific and hideous that I still struggle with haunting flashbacks of his suffering? Why were my prayers answered and all of the frantic, hysterical prayers to spare my brother's life were not answered? I am feeling guilty that I am living and he is NOT....His suffering was completely off-the-scale....The doctor at UCSF completely removed my little brother's entire tongue in a grueling, 14 1/2 hour surgery...He no longer had the ability to swallow, talk, eat or sleep in a horizontal position. Everything that we take for granted was stripped away from him....He sat in a recliner and suctioned his mouth and trach 24/7 for three agonizing months....
I used to give him a back/neck massage to relieve some of the gripping pain he was enduring and one day I just fell to my knees and wailed in front of him, like you see women do in the Middle East....I felt so incredibly helpless. He was dying and he had to literally pick me up off the floor to comfort me. The doctor took all of his lymph nodes out and there was no place for the fluid to go...so his entire face started to swell, and swell, and swell until his beautiful face was unrecognizable. He finally relented and my father and I admitted him into the hospital for the final time. Hospice took over...I was in his hospital room with him on Easter Sunday.. March 27, 2005, on his son's 18th birthday when he passed away at the age of 45...My mother just passed 15 days before him... I watched two of my loved ones dying at the same time.... There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of them. I sometimes wish that I did not love them so deeply and miss them terribly, as if the pain would be less. But I deeply love and I deeply miss both of them.
As I continue to struggle with their untimely tragic deaths, I pray that someday I might find some "Peace" regarding the unbearable suffering that they endured and I overwhelmingly witnessed... I have had all of the counseling you can imagine but sometimes it is "triggers" such as my biopsy that bring me back to haunting memories and "survivors guilt." I pray for more faith and more trust in the Lord who knows all of the "why's"... And I deeply pray that I finally accept that all will be revealed to me someday in God's time.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; acknowledge HIM in all your ways and HE will direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Kathi, I followed your link to your post. You capture the grief so well. I cannot imagine losing my mom and brother so close. I am so glad for you though, that your biopsy came back benign.
ReplyDeleteSo glad your biopsy was benign. I do believe when one is spared like this, there is a purpose you're meant to fulfill in your life. The challenge is in figuring out what that purpose is. Meeting the challenge is both more satisfying and less painful than survivor's guilt.
ReplyDeleteDear Little Sis, I know how hard this was for you to write, but I'm feeling confident that your openess is the beginning of healing for you! The rememberance of the pain will always be there, but as Dawn stated above, there is a purpose for your life. These painful events WILL be used by God to bring comfort to others.
ReplyDeleteLove, Big Sis
Little Sis.... As I read your blog today, my heart was torn. On one hand I was so thankful that you had such support and a force of prayer warriors not to be reckoned with, but on the other hand my heart broke as I read the story of your brother’s battle with cancer. The battle with the C-word is never pretty. I am so sorry he suffered but what a blessing to have you by his side for the journey.
ReplyDeleteWhile reading your words, I was reminded of a quote by Helen Keller which says, “I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.” Unfortunately we may never know the “why” but someday you will come face to face with your brother and mother and see them in their happy, healthy bodies and hopefully all the memories of pain and suffering will finally end.
BTW – I am glad you posted this before you read my post, as the words needed to be spoken. Part of the healing process is sharing your pain with those around you that care so deeply. Please know that you can cry on my shoulder (long distance, of course) anytime you need.
Here is another quote and a scripture verse that I find comforting.... hope you do too...
“Peace of mind is not a goal I need achieve. It’s a place inside I never want to leave. Close my eyes, I still my thoughts and then I say, I will choose to live in peace today.” – Robert Alan
“The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.” – Psalms 29:11
I think the book, 1000 Gifts will be an inspiration for your journey as the author starts off the book by sharing a loss. She weaves the memories and pain throughout her story and it is awesome. Her mantra is that blessings always precede the miracles. Will be excited to hear about your “blessings journey” too.
Rest in His Peace, my friend...
Always, Donna aka Sis2