Her "Final Lap"

Dear Big Sis,

When my granddaughter invited me to go swimming at the neighbor's house yesterday afternoon, I had no idea that I would become a "surrogate" grandmother to a 6 year old, beautiful chocolate Labrador  named "Princess"...Her owners are on their vacation in Mexico and left Princess and her brother, Jack in my grandson's care. They believed that her health was improving before they had left and they also had installed camera's to monitor her in their absence.  My daughter had informed me that "Princess" had cancer but she neglected to tell me that she was in her most advanced stage of this despicable, cruel disease.

As I approached the swimming pool, I was greeted by Jack who was barking uncontrollably and nervously.  In the corner of the house, on the porch is where I first laid eyes on" Princess."  At that moment, she did not even have the strength to raise her head up to greet me and my heart just sank with a familiar heaviness of the forthcoming dread that was inevitable...

I decided to get into the swimming pool where her brother Jack followed and went in for a little dip but when he got out, he continued on with his non-stop barking as if he were trying to tell me something that I didn't already know and sense.  As I was trying to calm Jack down, I noticed that Princess had gingerly gotten up and was slowly making her way to the pool.  It took every last bit of her failing strength to get to the first step of the pool.  As she was getting into the water, she glanced up at me for a few seconds as if she were letting me know that this would be her final lap to the other side of pool.  She struggled every inch of the way but remarkably made her way back to the first step. She could go no further.  I went over to her to hold her, gently stroked her beautiful brown fur and spoke to her as only a grandmother to a grandchild or granddog would do to reassure her that everything would be alright, very soon....I felt a very intense bond towards this amazing creature that I had just met. Not once did she ever whimper a sound from the obvious pain that she was enduring. She displayed such amazing dignity and sheer courage as her imminent death was approaching...Since her family was unfortunately not present, I felt like I was giving her the "okay" to GO...In retrospect, I only wish that I would have had the courage to stay with her throughout the night but I was too overcome by my emotions having lost two brothers to cancer.

I truly believe that God puts us right where we need to be on any given day or time so that we may experience and learn what HE wants us to learn....I prayed throughout the night for God to spare her. God answered my prayer and took Princess home.  The suffering has finally ceased for her.  Her brother Jack is grieving and crying for his sister. We are all grieving for her as well, along with feelings of relief for her suffering. Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

 I have learned that it doesn't matter how long you know someone, even if it was just for one day...Love and compassion for all is God's way of helping us through on our journey or our "final lap"..... Rest in Perfect Peace, "Princess"...... You will be remembered, loved and missed!!!

Big Sis, since you raised chocolate Labs previously, I knew you would understand her greatness and that they are true family members.

Love, Hugs and Blessings,
Little Sis

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalms 34:18

"Survivor's Guilt"

A few weeks ago I had a mammogram/sonogram scheduled and when a doctor in a long white coat walked in to explain that I needed to have a needle core biopsy, I nearly fainted while I was still lying on the table...Although the experience was undeniably frightening, I was so blessed to have so many "Prayer Warriors" of mine help me through a most difficult time and I took great comfort in knowing how really "powerful" prayer can be...I was also so deeply touched to receive a wonderful, encouraging Hallmark (I couldn't help but notice) card from a newly treasured dear friend of mine, "Sis2" who was praying for me, as well.

The waiting period for the results seemed like forever as I attempted to keep myself busy. A two week wait seemed unreasonable and agonizing, so I frantically called a week later. A very caring and compassionate nurse said "not to lose any sleep tonight" (which I took as a hint) and instructed me to call back the next day for results from the doctor....The next morning I dropped to my knees and repeatedly thanked my Almighty, Heavenly Father for the words I heard were, BENIGN... I also prayed a special prayer of gratitude for all of my "Prayer Warrior Sisters."

Although my life had been spared for that moment and please don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful but I still felt such a heaviness weighing on my heart that I couldn't explain. It has taken a week to finally come to grips with what was bothering me. Why was I spared and my little brother, Kevin was not? Why was his cancer so horrific and hideous that I still struggle with haunting flashbacks of his suffering? Why were my prayers answered and all of the frantic, hysterical prayers to spare my brother's life were not answered? I am feeling guilty that I am living and he is NOT....His suffering was completely off-the-scale....The doctor at UCSF completely removed my little brother's entire tongue in a grueling, 14 1/2 hour surgery...He no longer had the ability to swallow, talk, eat or sleep in a horizontal position. Everything that we take for granted was stripped away from him....He sat in a recliner and suctioned his mouth and trach 24/7 for three agonizing months....

I used to give him a back/neck massage to relieve some of the gripping pain he was enduring and one day I just fell to my knees and wailed in front of him, like you see women do in the Middle East....I felt so incredibly helpless. He was dying and he had to literally pick me up off the floor to comfort me. The doctor took all of his lymph nodes out and there was no place for the fluid to go...so his entire face started to swell, and swell, and swell until his beautiful face was unrecognizable. He finally relented and my father and I admitted him into the hospital for the final time. Hospice took over...I was in his hospital room with him on Easter Sunday.. March 27, 2005, on his son's 18th birthday when he passed away at the age of 45...My mother just passed 15 days before him... I watched two of my loved ones dying at the same time.... There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of them. I sometimes wish that I did not love them so deeply and miss them terribly, as if the pain would be less. But I deeply love and I deeply miss both of them.

As I continue to struggle with their untimely tragic deaths, I pray that someday I might find some "Peace" regarding the unbearable suffering that they endured and I overwhelmingly witnessed... I have had all of the counseling you can imagine but sometimes it is "triggers" such as my biopsy that bring me back to haunting memories and "survivors guilt." I pray for more faith and more trust in the Lord who knows all of the "why's"... And I deeply pray that I finally accept that all will be revealed to me someday in God's time.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; acknowledge HIM in all your ways and HE will direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Celebrate Recovery - 30 Days

Big Sis, last night I attended my 4th week of Celebrate Recovery and received my 30 day Recovery Chip for attendance. The weather out here in Texas had turned bitterly cold and I had almost talked myself out of going to the meeting like I always do every Monday night but 15 minutes before the class started, I was on my way there. My biggest struggle is with depression, anxiety and fear due to multiple losses so I really have to push myself and just go and do it afraid... As the meeting began with prayer, we were treated to live music this time. I could really sense the presence of God there as we all sang praise and surrender songs to the Lord to help us heal. If I had stayed home I would have greatly missed an opportunity to witness yet another moving, inspirational testimony of brokenness which led to victory by one of the leaders who gave her testimony back in 2008. She felt compelled to tell her story again which gave all the newcomers a real sense of hope. As she courageously and bravely bore her soul, there was not a dry eye in the audience. She ended her testimony by saying that she will always be a work in progress and expressed how truly blessed she is to be loved and accepted by her Celebrate Recovery family.

We were then dismissed and asked to attend our individual meetings. I am in a group called Hurts, Hang-ups and Habits. We are seated in a circular formation and we first begin with prayer. We introduce ourselves, express that we are Great Believers in Jesus Christ and then briefly state why we are there. We go around the room again, one by one to discuss what we are feeling. Some of the women had victories to share. Others discussed how there week had been going.