"Survivor's Guilt"

A few weeks ago I had a mammogram/sonogram scheduled and when a doctor in a long white coat walked in to explain that I needed to have a needle core biopsy, I nearly fainted while I was still lying on the table...Although the experience was undeniably frightening, I was so blessed to have so many "Prayer Warriors" of mine help me through a most difficult time and I took great comfort in knowing how really "powerful" prayer can be...I was also so deeply touched to receive a wonderful, encouraging Hallmark (I couldn't help but notice) card from a newly treasured dear friend of mine, "Sis2" who was praying for me, as well.

The waiting period for the results seemed like forever as I attempted to keep myself busy. A two week wait seemed unreasonable and agonizing, so I frantically called a week later. A very caring and compassionate nurse said "not to lose any sleep tonight" (which I took as a hint) and instructed me to call back the next day for results from the doctor....The next morning I dropped to my knees and repeatedly thanked my Almighty, Heavenly Father for the words I heard were, BENIGN... I also prayed a special prayer of gratitude for all of my "Prayer Warrior Sisters."

Although my life had been spared for that moment and please don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful but I still felt such a heaviness weighing on my heart that I couldn't explain. It has taken a week to finally come to grips with what was bothering me. Why was I spared and my little brother, Kevin was not? Why was his cancer so horrific and hideous that I still struggle with haunting flashbacks of his suffering? Why were my prayers answered and all of the frantic, hysterical prayers to spare my brother's life were not answered? I am feeling guilty that I am living and he is NOT....His suffering was completely off-the-scale....The doctor at UCSF completely removed my little brother's entire tongue in a grueling, 14 1/2 hour surgery...He no longer had the ability to swallow, talk, eat or sleep in a horizontal position. Everything that we take for granted was stripped away from him....He sat in a recliner and suctioned his mouth and trach 24/7 for three agonizing months....

I used to give him a back/neck massage to relieve some of the gripping pain he was enduring and one day I just fell to my knees and wailed in front of him, like you see women do in the Middle East....I felt so incredibly helpless. He was dying and he had to literally pick me up off the floor to comfort me. The doctor took all of his lymph nodes out and there was no place for the fluid to go...so his entire face started to swell, and swell, and swell until his beautiful face was unrecognizable. He finally relented and my father and I admitted him into the hospital for the final time. Hospice took over...I was in his hospital room with him on Easter Sunday.. March 27, 2005, on his son's 18th birthday when he passed away at the age of 45...My mother just passed 15 days before him... I watched two of my loved ones dying at the same time.... There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of them. I sometimes wish that I did not love them so deeply and miss them terribly, as if the pain would be less. But I deeply love and I deeply miss both of them.

As I continue to struggle with their untimely tragic deaths, I pray that someday I might find some "Peace" regarding the unbearable suffering that they endured and I overwhelmingly witnessed... I have had all of the counseling you can imagine but sometimes it is "triggers" such as my biopsy that bring me back to haunting memories and "survivors guilt." I pray for more faith and more trust in the Lord who knows all of the "why's"... And I deeply pray that I finally accept that all will be revealed to me someday in God's time.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; acknowledge HIM in all your ways and HE will direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Inherited from You

We all think about our fathers on Father’s Day. Who can avoid the media bombardment? But I have a constant reminder of my Father, even though he’s been gone for 6 years, and that reminder is --myself. Yes, I’m so like my dad that the little things I do throughout the day is a constant reminder that the “Nut Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree”. I purposely use the word nut, for it accurately describes my dad! He was the funniest man I knew. His quick wit made me laugh, my friends and all that knew him. And even more importantly, his humor covered a multitude of sins, but that is a subject for another Blog.

Even the last day I saw him on this earth, humor did not escape him. As he lay there in the hospital bed, dying from Kidney Cancer, I called my oldest son, his favorite grandchild. My son talked to him on the phone knowing it might be his last conversation with his grandpa. After I hung up the phone for my dad, I apologized for my son that he wouldn’t be able to visit his grandpa. My dad said matter-of-factly, “Oh, that’s alright, I won’t remember it”. At his funeral on April 21, 2005, I wrote an account of the characteristics that we have in common and read it to honor him.

Inherited from you dad…

-When I find myself unable to pass a clearance rack and shop at a consignment store, …I’ll think about my dad

-When I reuse a paper towel…I’ll think about my dad

Friendship is "Priceless" in Any State

When I was laid off from my position last August, I never realized the huge impact it would have on me since I had been working most of my adult life. I thought that I would absolutely be loving the fact that I no longer had to set my alarm clock and fight the miserable, gridlocked traffic of a daily commute. I have to admit that the first two weeks were pretty blissful but by the third week, boredom was starting to settle in. I never even toyed with the idea of what I might possibly be doing if I were not employed anymore, other than look for more work. The one thing I discovered was that I truly missed interacting with other people since I am and always have been a "people person." Barbra Streisand phrased it so perfectly in her song, "People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world."

My biggest issue since I moved to Texas back in 1998 was: I really had no people. Sure, I have my wonderful daughter, son-in-love and grandchildren. My youngest son is also in Texas with my two youngest grandsons but I had no people of my own to call, friends. I'm partly to blame for this dilemma because I never felt like Texas was my home and that all of my best friends were back in California. I wasn't giving Texas a chance and I was really suffering because of this mindset.

So sitting alone day after day got to be extremely, unbearably lonely and I slowly started to become somewhat of a paralyzed recluse which frightened me to no end. I did not want to be a recluse for I am a "people person." Our Heavenly Father never meant for us to be alone either. So after many months of being alone, I decided that I was going to go over and introduce myself to my neighbor across the street who was also, alone.

In the 10 years that I have lived in my house, I only knew my neighbor to the left of me and we seldom spoke other than a simple, hello. This was a defining moment for me as I nervously approached my neighbor across the street who was out doing yard work. As I introduced myself she extended her hand and said her name was, Gabrielle. She is most definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, a most delightful "angel." And I absolutely had no idea that she was saying to herself as she was winding up her garden hose, "Today is the day"...that she was going to approach me, as well. I know and felt in my heart that it was a God thing that brought us together. She has been all alone in her house for over a year and a half and we immediately shared a common ground. She had left her family and friends in Oklahoma and felt like she was in a foreign land just exactly how I felt when I made my move to Texas.

I had her over a few days ago and we spent the whole afternoon getting to know one another, laughing and talking like there was no tomorrow. We drank tea, I made lunch, we exchanged numbers and did a little shopping. It was a wonderful day and we are planning more wonderful days ahead. We are planning to attend Bible Study and church together along with added social functions. Friendship is priceless no matter where you live. God is so AWESOME and GOOD!! My Almighty Father opened my eyes so that I could feel acceptance and love in any state!
-Little Sis Kathi